Choz ka naman teh, hormones mo lang yan! Kung maka arte naman.

Choz ka naman teh, hormones mo lang yan! Kung maka arte naman.

Ang problema, nasa gitna ako ng dalawang ideyang nabanggit. Gusto ko umalis dito sa amin kasi galit ako habang nandun din yung kailangan kong maranasan ang reyalidad ng buhay. Pero hanggang salita lang ako, dahil sa panahon ngayon kailangan kong pagbayaran kung ano mang utang na loob ang ibinigay sa akin. kahit inaamin kong, labag sa kalooban ko, sige lang kaya ko pa. Ganuon talaga eh. Kung anong kinuha kailangan ibalik. Bakit kasi pag wala kang mahanap na solusyon eh nakakapagisip ka mg mg di maganda.Hindi talaga ako magaling tumunaw ng mga impormasyong biglaang sumasalmpak sa mukha ko.

Im so duwag. T_T

Takaw Mata. Ganyan ako minsan, yan yung bibili ka ng madaming pagkain, tapos hindi mo naman uubusin. Naku, punong-puno ang pantry namin ng pagkaing isang beses lang nabuksan, tipong nag-crave lang sa lasa tapos, wala na, mapupunta na sya sa likod ng aparador hanggang sa mabulok o makalimutan na meron pa pala. Meron din akong ugali na nilalagyan ng sentimental value yung pagkain, Pag-susube sa tagalog,  lalo na kapag galing pang Pilipinas. Kunwari yung isang balot ng Iced Gemz na 12 packs ang nasa loob, yung 11 ang kakainin, na aabutin pa ng isang taon, ganun ko sya tinitipid! tapos yung matitirang isa, yung ang pang-hihinayanangan kong kainin at i-tae, kaya nakalagay lang sya sa snack container, andun lang, nag-hihintay na yumumi.

Katulad mo din ba ako na kapag kumakain ng sinigang o nilaga, tapos baboy ang karneng ginamit,  isinusube yung taba para ‘yun ang huling kakainin sa huling subo? Ganuon kasi sya ka-espesyal para sa akin. Kaya nga diba, yung taba din ang nasa huli ng mga bbq!  Ganito yan,  pag-ulam ko ang sinigang o nilaga, uunahin ko munang kainin yung gulay, tapos pag kaunti na lang yung gulay, saka ako mag-sasama ng kaunting karne  sa bawat subo, tapos  ang palaging nahuhuling maubos sa gulay eh gabi, katumbas sya ng patatas sa nilaga, palaging panghuli kasama ng taba. pero, mauunang maubos ang kanin kesa sa ulam, hindi sila sabay, kasi masarap yung pakiramdam na  alam mong tapos ka ng kumain pero may pinapapak ka pa, signs of acute obesity? 

Nuong isang linggo, o dalawang linggo? hindi na ako sigurado, basta hindi kanina,  nagluto ako ng “mashed potato” dahil sa tinamad akong mag-luto ng aming tanghalian.  Naawa naman ako sa sarili ko, dahil feeling ko, nagddiet ako sa arteng mashed potato lang ang tanghalian, kaya naisipan kong gumawa ng “gravy”. Shalan, mr. pure energy, gume- gray v. Tapos, yung unang gawa ko, pansarili lang, pucha lang, napatamis! Nanghinayang naman akong itapon, takte, tag-hirap na nga kami, magtatapon pa ako ng pagkain! Kaya pinandigan ko na lang, kinain ko kahit yung lasa nya eh mashed potato na sinabawan ng palamig, oh diba! sago na lang kulang eh!  Tapos, dumating si ate galing sa eskewelahan nya, so gumawa ako ng pangalawang batch kasi, selfish nga ako nung una eh, di ko naman alam na gusto din nya. Sa pangalawang subok, mas naging…  AY TAKTE! yung pangalawang batch, NAIYAK AKO!!! KALASA NUNG KFC GRAVY NG PINAS! Ilang beses ko ata itong ipinag-yabang sa mundo ng internet. Tuwang-tuwa ako, kasi biro mo, kaya ko na itong ulit-ulitin kahit anong oras! Pwede akong makagawa ng gravy na ipansasabaw ko  sa kanin, kahit walang  fried chicken.

Kapag wala naman kaming maiulam dito dahil sukang-suka na kami sa ulam na paulit-ulit, gumagawa kami ng “lottery ofulam”, kung ano na lang ang mabunot sa “crisper” (alam mo ba yung crisper? weh? sige na nga, huwag mo na i-google,  ito yung cabinet sa pinaka-ibaba ng refrigerator, yung taguan ng gulay, kasi yung ilalim ang pinaka malamig at ideal temperature para sa gulay ng hindi ito agad-agad na malanta o mabulok). Tapos ayun, “bahala na ulam” ang kinalalabasan, Lahat naman kasi kami dito eh “cook” kuno, basta masarap ang lasa, walang kaso. lamang-tiyan din. Ang pinakasafe na gawin ay ginisang gulay na may piniritong maliliit na karne. Hinding hindi ka magkakamali dahil sa sobrang dali! yes! rhyming!  Ginisang pechay, Ginisang repolyo, Ginisang Ampalaya, Ginisang Upo!  kahit nga Ginisang Bahay Kubo! masarap pa din. Sanay kami sa ugaling “kahit ano” kaya hindi mahirap pakisamahan, basta ba ‘wag lang panis.

A. Microblogging.
Kinain ako 140-500 characters limit. Kaunting sulat mo lang, masasabi mo na ang ginagawa mo at mga gagawin mo ng walang eksplenasyon. Mas marami din ang makaka-ugnay dahil, sa panahon ngayon, tumataas ang bilang ng taong tamad mag-basa.

B. Tumigil.
Bigla na lang akong tinamad, na-tengga sa bahay, nawalan ng sasabihin, nawalan ng gana, at hindi na nag-tangkang mag-isip pa.

C.  Pagkamatay ng bokabularyong tagalog.
Mas kuntento akong mag-sulat sa Tagalog. Sa totoo lang, ayoko syang bitawan kahit na nasa ibang-bansa ako. Pero dahil madalas,  nasa wikang ingles ang mga binabasa ko, hindi ko naiiwasang makalimot ng mga ibang salita. Nasa estado ako na 50%ingles-50%tagalog, tapos yung sa tagalog unti-unti ng nakakain ng ingles. Ayoko kasi ng simpleng tagalog lang, mas gusto ko yung malalim, dahil kahit sa Pilipinas, marami na din ang hindi ito sinasanay. Naiiyak nga ako dahil minsan, gumagamit pa ako ng google translate para lang isalin sa tagalog  ang mga salitang  sa ingles ko lang alam gamitin.

D. Pagkabigo sa Buhay
Nabigo ako ng sabay-sabay sa halos lahat ng bumubuo sa aking kaluluwa. 2011 na ata ang pinaka masaklap na taon para sa akin.Itinaon talaga kung kailan matanda na ako’t  mas marami ng alam. “oh diba dapat mas hindi masakit kasi matanda ka na?”  Dyan kayo nag-kakamali, dahil sa sobrang dami ng natutunan mo, hindi mo alam kung alin ang uunahin mong sundin. Mahirap kalabanin ang sariling utak. Pamula sa Pamilya, Pera, Pag-ibig, at sa mismong Sarili ko. “Oh diba dapat mas marami kang maikukuwento kung ganon?” Hindi. Hindi ganuon kadali.  Ayokong isulat lahat, dahil may mga bagay na ayoko ng paulit-ulit pang balikan, dahil sa totoong buhay, ay paulit-ulit din naman silang pinag-kukwentuhan. Ang pag-babasa ay mas nakaka-bingi.  Kahit pa sabihin nating “pag-lumipas naman ang mga panaho’t binalikan mo eh tatawanan mo na lang…”  Hindi ito iyon.

E. Pag-papanggap
Dahil nahuhumaling ako sa “non-verbal expression”  Nalaman ko na may talento ako sa potograpiya, Hindi sa pag-yayabang, pero ito na lang sa ngayon ang pinang-hahawakan ko. Wala na akong ibang maisip pa. Pa-sikreto kong tinatawanan yung mga taong alam kong nahihili lang, dahil nababasa ko ang intensyon ng tao sa pamamagitan ng kanilang mga litrato. Hindi ko din alam kung paano ito nangyari at kung saan ko ito nakuha, basta ang alam ko mas marami pa din ang hindi nakakaintindi. (ako din, pero bahagya lang hehe)

F.Pag-papaliban/Pag-papabukas/Kawalan ng Bilib
Sa katamaran ko, kapag nakakaisip ako ng ideya, ipinagpapabukas ko pa. Ni-hindi ko nga isinusulat sa papel, basta tinatandaan ko na lang ng pikit-mata, bilang kilala ko ang sarili kong may sakit na malilimutin at maikli ang pasensya. Bahala na kung maalala, wala rin namang  mag-babasa, at kung may mag-babasa naman, malamang mababansagan lang akong mang-mang at kulang sa abilidad.

Alam ko na, siguro, kailangan ko ulit magbasa-basa ng tagalog, yung mga librong naipon ko, yung may mga kuwento para gisingin ang natutulog kong delusyon.

kaka-sad.

puta. Dapat may iku-kwento ako eh, pero wala ako sa mood. Ewan, mas gusto ko na lang manood ng mga series at man-troll sa internet kesa tapusin yung mga pinipinta ko, tapusin yung mga binabasa, at tapusin yung mga isinulat ko. puta, gusto ko lang mag-mura ngayon, puta.
ayun lamang. salamat.

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Anyways, I went to Barnes to peek at the clearance stuff they have, but then this seemingly old indian guy (not sure) , in his field jacket approached me and said,  “a lot of sale here huh…” then added “you’re lucky..” I stepped back and replied “yeah, cheap stuff… “  He then noticed my necklace with a “navigation wheel” pendant,
“Oh so you’re a Buddhist ?”  he asked, “I see you have the wheel with you, it symbolizes the wheel of law, the path to enlightenment..” I was really surprised to what this man is saying about me, but then I have to tell him the truth that “no, I’m not a buddhist, I just bought it from a store..” I didn’t know he was reading my palm while i was holding a book too, “I see you have two mounds on your palm, you posses a lot of intelligence within you, the lines..I see you love travelling too very adventurous..” I kinda laughed on what he “perceived” as I am, I just said “oh really? wow, yeah, I do love to travel, but only in mind.. because I’m a home body”.  He answered “yes, that’s why you’re very interesting to read..” I felt the smirk on my face, It was that awkward, because I know where he was going , and so I deliberately asked him..” IS THIS FREE?”  Now, I made it easy for him. “Do you want more? Well, I could give you a full reading, for a fixed price or whatever you have in your wallet.” He then pulled out a small photo album from his back pocket and showed me some  “happy client’s”  images he apparently read fortunes for. “I travel the world and read their fortunes, c’mon, reach for your pocket and find anything..” I cut his story short  with “I’m sorry i don’t have anything right now…”  twice and while my eyes were skimming on the clearance items.  He just vanished.

Cold readings eh? haha~

Now that I thought about it, when I bought my “navigation wheel” necklace two years ago, I also took another piece with an intricately designed cross pendant.  I just figured I bought two religious symbols, instead of just the cross. Does that mean, I was subconsciously drawn to the Buddhist practice?  I really had no idea.
—–
yay for new reading materials!  I took five  from the old house, they’re throwing them anyways.

Lima kami sa pamilya, kumbaga sa physics ng  siso ako yung “fulcrum”  tapos yung apatm tigalawang bumabalanse sa magkabila, taas-baba depende ang bilis sa gaano kalala ang sitwasyon,  kung nakukuha mo ang metaporiko. Sa bawat kibot nila, ako yung  sumasalo ng lahat ng bigat sa usaping emosyonal.

Ang Magulang:
Sinanay nila ako sa uri ng emosyon na lahat nadadaan sa sindak, pananakot, hindi pag-imik sa tangkang konsensyahin ka habang walang tuwid na paliwanag. Lahat ng bagay dapat matutunan mo ng kusa dahil walang mag-tuturo sa iyo. Kaya siguro lumakas ang  intuwisyon ko, basta alam ko na lang lahat bigla. Kapag nagkakaroon ng dagok, ang isa, susuko, habang yung maiiwan ang sasalo, pag-tapos na ang unos saka babalik kaya parehas na napagod. Kung di pupuk-pukin ang ama hindi kikilos, kung hindi mag-sasabi ang ina, walang makikiealam. Hirap nila ayusin ang problema nila dahil habang tumatanda sila, tumataas din ang kapalaluan. Sa sobrang dami na ng kasinungalingan na nadidinig ko, hindi ko na alam ang totoo sa hindi.

Mga Kapatid:
Ayaw man nilang aminin, meron silang pinapanigan. Ang isa tumatangkilik sa ama dahil ayaw maging bias, samantalang ang isa kumakapit sa ina dahil walang ibang mapupuntahan. Naiintindihan ko na higit na mas naiipit ang panganay na kapatid dahil siya na halos sumalo ng pinansyal na pangangailangan. Isipin mo, May sarili na syang pamilya, pero kailangan niyang ibigay ang halos kabuuan ng sweldo nya para ipambayad sa renta ng bahay. Yung kapatid na bunso, ayun tumakbo sa ina dahil, wala syang kahit anong kakayahan para matus-tusan ang sarili.

Ako:

Hindi ko alam. Ano pa ba ang dapat kong sabihin? Napapagod ako hindi dahil sa literal na pagkilos ng pisikal, pero dahil sa nangyayaring ganito naiiwan ako sa gitna. Alam mo yung,  alam mo naman kung paano mo gagawin, pero hindi mo kaya or hindi talaga ibinibigay sa iyo ang pagkakataon?  Katulad lang ng, kinukulang na ang aming  pantustos sa bahay , dahil dyan kailangan ko ng trabaho, naghahanap ako, pero di natatanggap O Sinabi ko  sa magulang ko na pag-usapan nila ang problema nila, pero walang nangyari, nauuwi din sa mas malaking pag-tatalo. Wala akong galit kahit kanino sa kanila. Ang inaalala ko lang talaga ay ang bawat bukas namin. Bukas ba, may pagkain pa kami? sa isang linggo ba? may bahay pa kaming matitirhan? Nalulungkot ako sa kinahinat-nan ng aming pamilya, pero wala, nangyayari ito sa buhay. Di lang  naman siguro kami.
Ayokong sumuko.  Kaya pa. Nagkataon din talaga na humaharap ang bansang tinitirahan namin sa Depression. Dumoble ang bilang ng nawalang ng trabaho’t bahay. Nadagdagan ang mahihirap. Walang nagawang trabaho nung isang buwan at sumagad ang pagka-baba ng ekonomiya. Lahat hikahos, lahat nag-tataas ng presyo para bumawi ng kita. Ginagawan naman siguro ng nakatataas ng paraan. Magiging maayos din ang lahat.

Oh  I saw Joseph Gordon-Levitt today… but that won’t push or even phase the fact of us having this huge of a mumbo jumbo quandaries. I am having a hard time figuring out how to solve or even escape this crisis my family is going through. This is the most frustrating year I ever had.  And yes, I do know most of the answers, but what is stopping me to move forward is how to act it out.

I go look for a job, apply, wait, make a few phone calls, no response.
Mom doesn’t come home, pissed off with Dad.
Dad threatened to commit suicide.
Financial catastrophe in America.
Mom cut-off all allowances, even monthly house expenses, including rent, utilities, and food to give lesson.
Financial catastrophe in Home.
Stress is visible,  having some hair loss, weird eating habits and olfactory hallucination.
No one cries but wanted to.
Apartment rent increasing by December.
Dream can’t reach at the moment.
Zero balanced Savings
Dragging drama: The moment you forgive, another lies uncover.

Life  is not easy anymore. If you let it just flow like a stream and be a fucking dormant, It will hit you harder than you would never expect.

Don’t blame me if I just want to end it all with my own death. Because, with all honesty, I still try to keep my sanity at its “normal” level.   I joke around, play a little bit, do my hobbies, take care of my niece, eat, sleep, and shower but I’m not sure anymore how long I could pretend that I am fine.

Welcome to America indeed.

Heck to them. I’d like to write about what is going on with me. A huge family crisis has been eating up all our souls. Well, there’s the impending divorce, lacking of financial sources, joblessness, emotional bruises, broken hearts, dissapointments, suicidal thoughts, and the loss of faith. It’s not a laughing matter anymore, my hair falls in a dramatically increasing manner and eating twice as much as i shouldn’t. Every member seems to have a different perspective of what the situation is. Although, ywe live in the same roof, we all took different sides of the story. What’s making it worse is that we haven’t talked about everything or the matter as king arthur would, everyone sitting on a round table, discussing the up-coming battle . It’s always one to one or two to one, no definite direction, just whispers and closetted opinions. I want to change that.

Life truly sucks. But i still believe we’ll all get through this. I can’t think of anything to say anymore.. I am so sleepy:( fuck.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s over.

I talked to a friend about the fall, I can’t believe “it’s”  fucking over! HAHAHA, what a funny ending. I have been waiting for “it” to die, and just one conversation killed the damn bastard off of  my mind.

Remember those blogs of [mine] moping about a certain person because his presence continuously breaking my heart? Well, if you love seeing the derangement of others, you can now  make a comedy out of it or compile them, make a bed time story off of it, tell your kids how a person can be extremely stupid, and that the moral story is, do not act like a pathetic bruha because it will backfire right out of there precious bums! … but then there’s the other choice of forgetting about them.
Am I free now? YES!
There was too much funny similarities and skipped stories that I (ought to) discover(ed). My guess was right, he’s not worth it. I can’t believe i fell for those puppy evil eyes… of all people talaga! ME, who’s much more cynical than one’s mother-in-law, fell for a freaking roller coaster personality.  Just to clear the clouding air, I’m not bitter about the supposed “ideal” outcome I once dreamed about. I just don’t anymore. It felt like I was subjected from an electrocution therapy when I heard the phrase, “sya nanaman ang involved!”  and “pag-nagkita tayo, tatawanan kita!”. The hilarity was too much to handle that I decided not to sleep so I could laugh, as much as possible, with my own annihilation.

All I can say to him is Thanks.  For the bastard taught me a lesson: that welcoming gestures shouldn’t be mistaken as a sign of one’s vulnerability.  We shouldn’t trust people just because they have sick, sad, little stories. Them, being open with their lives, does not mean they completely value your presence. It could only mean you are just one of the many fishes they’re still judging, so don’t keep your hopes up.

No wonder he’s been kissing asses lately.
what a meanie.

Well, based from what I’ve encountered/seen/observed ,  these peeps were:

1. the one who talks about  photography but doesn’t even understand it AT ALL.
2. the one who criticizes other people’s work, but when you look at their own images you feel like you want to barf.
3. the one who knows everything about it, a highly intellectual being, because he went to a  photo “workshop” or a class but the stuff he’s been bragging extensively and shoving to every single one’s  throat is invisible on his own photographs. ( for example he’ll say,  ”you’re f-stop is wrong and your composition is lamer than a non-existing dick.”)
4. the one who owns a film camera and objects the use of Photoshop.
5. the one who owns a Photoshop and abuses it in terms of, when you look at his work, you want to stab your eyes with rusty needles. that painful.
6. the one who is so high of himself that each motherfucking subject is called art, even if it’s out of focus and doesn’t even make sense.
7. the one who carelessly call himself a photographer just because he owns a camera.
8. the one who joined the sump of “coolness” because, “photography is the best thing that ever happened to me like fuck yeah!  it’s art like fuck!”
9. the one who is so jealous of other’s photographs that he  constantly look for mistakes even if it’s the choice of the photographer’s aesthetic, in short, BITTER.
10. the one who owns every single gear,accessories, prime lens and all that expensive equipments but everything he does is exactly what every photographer of today is producing. hype. hype. hype.

Oh, that’s just me! I am no “photographer” either, not yet. No one should be offended nor think it’s a legitimate list of do’s or don’ts simply because I feel so tired for them, yes for them. Can they just give it a fucking rest and focus on their own “art” ?!? The healthy exchanging of opinions and respecting one’s aesthetic is what we all should practice; we shouldn’t put a warning sign above it and instead, lay  a “welcome” mat so everyone could step in and fathom it’s complexities. I admit that Photography seems easy breezy but it’s harder than I thought it was. What I don’t understand about the whole point of them bashing is that, they talk  about it as if it’s that effortless. (I maybe coming off as an overtly sensitive creature droning about a profession…meepmeepmeepmeep) A photograph won’t be as powerful as one expects if the passion haven’t even been ignited yet. Some starters have no idea they have “it” in them, please give them a time. Fix your own damn photos and not others.( except when they ask for help,you know something , and  you are not selfish! yay!)

I’m still at the starting line of everything about photography and I am already bleeding. (because I prefer choose to learn manually to train my waning eye) I can be critical of what looks good, what looks awesome, what looks meh,  or what looks like a complete `craptacular`.  I took a course, and continuously self-learning, the history of photography  so I could have an understanding how some photographers started, on how do they take a photograph so intense, that by looking at it, you’ll break into tears for no reason .  What I’ve been asserting may be irrelevant for some, but as I said, It’s just me. It’s not that I am trying to `imitate` their work,  I am simply observing how the masters convey their own self through a picture then I’ll try my hardest to manifest the efficacy in our modern image. I am in no authority to say if someone is doing  wrong but I can say if an image is dead, i can feel it. I don’t care if it’s pixelized or if it’s underexposed or there’s too much noise, what’s more important is the message of it.  oh wait, there’s a but coming in, BUT it will be mucho mucho better if you really learn how to take a photograph, corresponding to the importance of correct exposure, lighting, and eye for detail. (cause I am still in the process as well, and It has been a struggle LOL). I want people to bring back the sacredness of a single image, even if it’s photoshopped, lightroomed, or stitched. Don’t be dumb, try everything until you find what medium suits you.

One would not see the results they expect, if they don’t pay attention to their own craft.

I am aware that I maybe guilty in one, or more, from the fictitious list i mentioned.huzzah.

I’ve been reading this book and that book to strengthen my craft and still, I am in the stage of “being a serious picture hobbyist“. That is some fucked up ideal. Who am I doing this for again?

Oh, I am in so much utopia.

I’m still thinking about if I should write about what i feel about photography, of what I know and don’t know, pure opinions… but I still don’t have the guts, maybe tomorrow? two days after? in a month? in four months? next year? i don’t know. I will write something about it eventually anyways.

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Moving on, I’m refusing to write extensively about that boy, who continuously breaking my uterus heart. He’s not worth it. I may have played his feelings because I am a confused woman who doesn’t even know what she really wanted or who she wanted to end life  with.

sleep. ZzzZZZZ…zzZZzzz..